The Worm Montage (or) Better than Frenchfries

Snail Spit: The Newest Beauty Craze

This is not a joke...But still pretty damn funny.

As seen on a Spanish Infomercial (loosely translated...Very loosely, and some of it just outright imagined).

Rigorous scientific studies have demonstrated that snail spit contains extraordinary curative properties because it is produced by the snail to heal its own tissue and to repair its shell when it breaks. These regenerative properties have been concentrated in lichen, snail spit extract and can cure acne, eliminate wrinkles, make scars vanish and rejuvenate the skin...blah, blah blah, snail spit, snail spit, blah blah blah.

And how was this amazing discovery made?

The amazing healing properties of snail spit were discovered by a desperate housewife in some snail infested place in South Somewhere, USA:

"My life was miserable before I found snail spit. I tried everything; harsh scrubs, medication, I even tried pro-active cuz Diddy told me it would work...but it didn't and my marriage was in serious trouble. My husband was about to leave me, he told me I was too ugly to take out to dinner or let out of the house. He was so ashamed that he locked me in the seller and lowered down fresh gruel about twice a day. It got pretty lonely down there but sure saved me time in the kitchen.

Then one day after a big storm had passed and all them little snails were squirming around by the window and me being hungry and all, I cracked one open and ate it. Then the next day I found that all the acne around my mouth had miraculously disappeared. I realized then that it must have been the snail spit! Now my relationship with my husband has never been better and people ask me what my secret is. Now you too can let snail spit help you...Call today"!


In Espanol:
Rigurosos estudios científicos han demostrado que la baba de caracol tiene propiedades curativas extraordinarias ya que es producida por el caracol para sanar sus tejidos y reparar su caparazón cuando este se rompe. Esas propiedades regenerativas han sido concentradas en Licina, el extracto de baba de caracol que cura el acné, elimina las arrugas, desvanece las cicatrices y rejuvenece la piel.

El secreto de baba de caracol está en la Alantoina, un componente generado por el organismo del caracol para lograr la reparación y regeneración de sus tejidos. Además tiene ácido glicólico que tiene un efecto de peeling natural lo cual rejuvenece la piel y elimina las arrugas.

Además la baba de caracol tiene un antibiótico natural que destruye a las bacterias de la piel causantes del acné.

Modo de uso: Dos o tres veces al día en la piel lavada y libre de maquillaje.

Contenido: 45 gramos

Making a Mexican Music Career

(or)
Fuck like music
A brief summary of this past weeks events...

Monday: I return from a pleasant weekend in Queretaro via private jet. Find myself to be a rather indulgent bohemian...or perhaps, a starving artist on a nice vacation. I lunch with one of the editors of a popular womyns magazine. She asks me to play for her so I pick up my guitar and sing "Dreaming" and "Chronica De Un Adios". She really likes the songs and asks me for a demo, which I dont have. blast! I tell her Ill get one to her before i leave the country. How I will do this is unclear at this juncture.

Tuesday: Went to a lovely, vegetarian lunch at Josie's house. Josie is a beautiful, eternally young spirit as well as an accomplished artist. She has been friends with Nona forever and has been like a Jewish Godmother* to me. *note: there is no such thing as a 'Jewish Godmother' for all the non-jews joining us from out there in cyberspace. Anyway, It is th first time Nona has gone out to anykind of social event in months. I am happy we went; not only for Nona's sake but for mine as well. I have subsisted on salads for the past 2 weeks because i have yet to find a vegetarian restaurant in Mexico City. Josie went to great lengths to make delicious food, as always.

For dessert, along with a delicious 'tart a taut' (not sure that im spelling that correctly. Its this yummy, crusty apple-y goodness) I performed several songs for Josie and her daughter's family. This resulted in an invitation to a "Bohemian Evening" of music and gypsy food (whatever that is) at Josie's daughter's house, sounds like fun!

News: have defined own style as "gypsy sheek". Commencing in-depth research on gypsy style, music and culture... Solidify plan to become the world's first famouse Kosher Burrito.

Wednesday: totally unrelated, Ophelia, my grandparent's new maid manifests a dreadfall affliction of what I have carefully defined as "reverse midas touch syndrome". Everything this girl touches seems to break or fall apart. In two days, she has managed to break a lock by shoving the wrong key into it, knock down my Nona's shower curtain, and coinscidentaly the intercom of the front door has stopped working and the wall in the kitchen miraculously fell down. Yes it has been an eventful day here, and a rough first week for little Ophelia.

"Never a dull moment" says Nona.

Thursday: My Nono's health declines as he only ate 4 oysters today and some Bovril. Nona and I go to two diferent supermarkets to buy everything on her list. She loves making lists. While she was in 'Superama' I went across the street and bought some 'nardos' for the living room, nobody knows how to say this in english-"anyone, anyone"? They are long-stemmed, white flowers that smell absolutely delicious.

We also had tea and a sweet fig salad with Ingrid. I have now finalized the order for the beautiful handmade t-shirts that i will be selling in NYC at my little Mexican market booth. More to come on that.

Friday: I got hired to sing on this jingle for an insurance company and the people working on it were fucking idiots. I met with them last night for the third and final time. They were supposed to have recorded the instrumental tracks and have everything ready for me to come in and sing. When I got there, after driving over an hour in Mexico City traffic, they hadn't done anything. As they fiddled with nobs and buttons, it became painfully obvious that they couldn't work their own equipment. To make matters worse they wouldn't shut up while i was recording the guitar track, making it difficult to concentrate and keep time. When it finally came time to record the vocals, they wanted me to sing without headphones...After explaining to them that the vocal track would be leaky, they gave me headphones without a vocal monitor. I couldn't hear myself at all and didn't feel like trying after all the bullshit. In the end I grabbed my guitar, wished them luck and left.

This is the second time in Mexico that Ive had to take a stand for myself like this. The first time was when I went to sing with this rock band. I was really excited to do so and when I got to the studio it was so smokey and stank that I was afraid that i might get herpes from the microphone (I'm taking my mic on the road from now on). So, standing at a reasonable, praying for Lysol, i started to sing one of my songs. The instruments were so loud that at first I had to shout over the band. When I asked them to turn down, or simply just listen and feel the dynamics of the song, they would turn down for a minute and then come back louder and raunchier than before.

I decided that I wouldn't shout anymore. I didn't think it was worth risking my voice just to jam with a bunch of dirty stoner, rock-star wannabes. So I sat down and watched, drinking my ginormous bottle of water and trying to regain some semblance of zen. "Happy place, happy place, I wanna go to my happy place".

"What's wrong" asked the lead guitarist, riffing away beneath the moonlight.

"Why so upset" said the drummer, twirling his sticks in the air expectantly.

"Well" i said calmly, trying to collect my thoughts, "im not going to scream over you". I have asked you to turn down several times and you don't listen. Music should be dynamic, a collective of sounds and styles played in harmony with each other". They looked at me blankly. a joint was passed, a cigarette lit, a spider squished somewhere far away perhaps...

"Let me try again...when you play your instrument it should be like... making love to a woman".

still nothing.

"you are playing like you haven't fucked in a long time".
now were paying attention.

"you are pounding the shit out of your instrument, like you haven't had sex in a while, and you finally find a girl desperate enough to let you do it and you do and just go wild on her".

"so whats wrong with that"? guitar junky answered, puzzled.

Some laughter, accompanied by an eye roll. I sit down, look down at my guitar. It looks pretty and purple and a little bit streaky from never being polished in the two short years that Ive had it. Two years since Ive been playing guitar, two years since I left the band and decided to not take shit anymore from chauvinist male musicians...two years and now I can stand on my own.

"Come on Liah",they whined, "please sing for us. We've been waiting for you to come from New York and practicing your songs".I got up to play with them, one more time and tried "dreaming" a song that is melodic, and pretty. A song that I thought could definitely not be messed up by these loud,unlaid rocker boys. I was wrong though, because once again they proceeded be loud, each instrument transformed into a phullus competing in a messy auditorial pissing match.

After the song was finished they were all smiles and one of them said enthusiastically, "pues, sono' chido, no" (translation)"so, that sounded cool, right"!
"it was a little bit loud", i responded, now ready to go home.

Then grimy, the guitar player said "so now play something so we can rock out on" and that made me laugh.

"You guys just made my sweetest song sound like Sepultura and now you want to 'rock out'?

"Yeah, sing some Avril Levigne",he said casually, clearly not predicting the torturous and painful death that this would invoke...Avril fuckin Levigne!

"nope". i answered after a long pause.

"why"

"Because i don't know any of her songs,
because
i don't feel like it
because
you
suck
because I'm not Avril Levigne,
I'm Liah Alonso
and if you can't take advantage of that
then i feel sorry for you.
because
im leaving now.
goodbye, good luck and thanks for your time".

and i left smiling, feeling stronger and happier than ever before. Looking back now upon these experiences i realize that none of them were wastes of time, but opportunities to grow for which I am truly grateful. With that I am going downstairs now to practice my guitar amidst the chirping birds and warm Mexican sunshine.

De Problems/On Problems...

"Las problemas se deben resolver, no contar"

"Problems should be resolved, not counted"

Emerich Salzberger,(Nono)